Heading to the fifth floor of our building is the first thing I do when I get to work at night. It has already been a nightly routine but it means something more to me than just breathing cool air and resting after a one hour trip from home. It is the only time of my work day that I can be alone to think things over like the life I am leading, my plans and those things I am holding on to, which keep me from quitting the monotonous drag of my night life.
Sometimes, I would smoke a cigarette or two and watch the smoke rise in the air. While doing this, I’d have my Coldplay, Keane and Snow Patrol playing in the background to break the silence, or to mask the senseless noise of other people nearby.
I would just sit there, still an hour before my shift, but not really waiting for anyone or anything. For barely an hour, I’d just think because it’s the only thing I can do when I’m alone. I think of my family. I think of my best friend. I think of me. And I’d get lonely because I’d realize how meaningless my life has become.
What am I doing here?
I would always ask my self that question, and the night never fails to give me an answer.
You are needed where you are.
Grammar Killer 
i have been asking myself the same question for six years running.
no answer so far, unfortunately.
You are on the right track, though. And you have proven it yourself.
is work the only thing that would give meaning? 🙂
My work is one of the things that keeps me alive. However, I wouldn’t have been here working had not my childhood dreams died before they even started.
I wouldn’t consider your dreams dead if I were you. Wouldn’t talk in the past tense as well. Life is never meaningless, in my opinion. It only gets confusing, but never meaningless.
Things work for me differently.
Well, it’s a good thing to question one’s existence… To those who will opt for an alternate non-theological response, sadly I do not have another answer. And so my stand would be on the Christian stance, that we already know our life’s purpose here on earth.
The difficult part is how to live that purpose. Zig Ziglar in one of his books said that to have a better than good life we must have a life lived according to our passions, and to use these passions to fulfill our Christian purpose… In our unguarded moments, most of the time we discover these passions… As what I always say, we must continue to search because, quoting Socrates, “An unexamined life is not worth living.”
“An unexamined life is not worth living.”
I have always been interested by this line I’ve first read from Sophie’s Wolrd (John Gaarder). Thanks for the comment, CWW. Your thoughts never fail to lighten me up.
And if you don’t like where you are, you can always change sails or walk afar. After all, we are not a tree. ~Read this somewhere.
~That’s me being lame, killing time before going to sleep.
I am not a tree. Wow. This gave me a really good reflection. Thanks for AX.
I like: Your title. Coldplay. And the new look your blog is sporting! ♥
Thanks for the good words, Dardenita. :] I also liked the way it worked for me after I left OddBlood.
because when you finally get the answer, you’ll no longer have a purpose that is worth pursuing 🙂
I still need to find the answer. I don’t want to die stuck with that one. :]
I also like the feeling of having a smoke before work. The chill of the night makes me weak at times, so having something warm me inside is such a heavenly feeling.
My work still makes me nervous sometimes. So smoking is also a means to calm my self.
You! You overthink, and that’s what makes a good writer, I (over)think.
Yeah. I think a lot. I just wish that could write a lot, too.
Sa lahat ng sinabi mo ang pinakatumatak sa akin ay the fact na you get to work an hour early. Ikaw na ang early bird.
I really need to get to work early. I can’t risk being late because our attendance contributes a lot to our bonuses. Isa pa, ang layo ng Pasig sa Makati, kaya I need to make sure everyday na maaga ako nagpe-prepare. By the way, ‘di ako ganito noong Highschool or College. Haha.
ooh! i used to do the same thing to. even if that place reeks at night, i still get a lot of thinking done there.
“You are needed where you are.” I love this. The night will never answer because you already have. Some of us are meant to stay, some are passing through. I’ve been here for close to four years now. As long as you don’t compromise any bit of yourself, you should be fine.
Ah, youth and its restlessness. haha I need another cigarette.
Maybe we can hang around there one time, if you’re not too busy with your work.
Anyway, I personally that line, too. I got the idea when an ex-workmate told me to grow where i am planted.
sure sure. haha let’s not be strangers when we run into each other. altho i must warn you, i’m a little bad with faces. haha hopefully, leah can point you out. 🙂
Yeah. Leah was my GCT Trainer before. She’s a good one. 🙂
Anway, see you when I see you, Nyl. 🙂 Wish me luck, I still have a week to endure before I finally get the yellow one.
Coldplay, keane, snowpatrol … nice company while thinking about so many things.. Just think and do what is right. . you won’t regret you did.. Life is meaningful.. even if you think that your life doesn’t make sense, it does make sense to others. Cheer up. 🙂
I so love their trio. Sad and lovely.
And you’re right. Life can really seem out of tune sometimes. But everything goes back to normal in time as well.
I’d pay just to smoke in there again. I miss the fifth floor.
Permanence is such a beautiful word. How ironic.
Permanence is something that I really need to learn. I’ve left 3 different centers now. I want to find my own place here, this time.
it is okay to switch work while you are still young because as you get older, permanence will come.. you will find your niche eventually.. but i think what you do, like find a place to be in solace, listen to coldplay, keane or snow patrol is good.. not too many people ever think of realization, of reflection.. oks lang yan.. really..
i didn’t like my first job – the work itself, the environment, and the clients. i couldn’t take the suicidal kimchi people. so i resigned and pursued a more humane job and a generous company. but, now that i have ze job and ze company i figured it’s boring out here. i’ve found my “place,” but not quite. i still want to do other things. juggling a day desk job, a part-time editing job, and readind and writing on my little amount of free time, i want them all, because they perk me up. permanence gives you a flatline. so it’s good that you still have ‘misadventures’ here and there. you’re still young, it is to search and find the reason of your existence all over the place. 😉