Things had been shaky for me and my best friend during the past year. Aside from the daily war we have been constantly fighting, there were times when I doubted myself if really loved him or not, or if I was capable loving at all. But I guess, those were just phases that we had to go through and endure. Without those struggles I wouldn’t have realized how I sure I am with what I feel towards him.
It would have been better if the two of us are free to do everything we want and not just hide behind our friendship. This is one of the constant causes of my sadness and occasional breakdowns. But I can’t do any thing. Not yet. He is studying and still needs his family to support him. I, on the other hand, have mine to help. No one has to know about us. But sometimes I am wondering how long I can stand the idea of keeping our love in the shadows. I know that what we have is real but there are always inhibitions in and outside, wherever we go, to the extent that I find it easier to be in the presence of other people.
I have already tried turning away from him for so many times. I felt like there was always something missing. And I tried to search that “one thing” in other people. Those detours were fun. But at the end of the day, after the deed was done, the bottles emptied, and bodies worn out, guilt would set in and send me coming home to my best friend’s side.
It’s not infidelity. I was just trying to save my sanity. It is better than having myself ran over by a truck, or jumping off a building, which I have already thought of many times before. But the last time we had a fight, I promised him that I’d never sleep with someone else again. I am still unsure if I will be able to keep my promise, but there is only one thing I know: I have already met a lot of men (and women) but it’s only him who can actually make me happy. There may be some things that he just won’t give to me, but now I am learning to accept all of his flaws, the same way he takes me as I am.
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