Loose Ends

With each passing day, I feel more and more distant from all the things that used to matter to me. This may be the reason why it has become so easy for me to leave things behind. I have abandoned three jobs already. And it’s been my sickness to unfriend people whom I’ve never considered as friends, even blocked those people I have long considered as friends but failed to reciprocate my attention.

I have been trying to untangle my life by cutting loose ends which I know would just cause me pain. But with each new connections that I’m trying to create, I still can’t help but feel like drifting farther and farther away from the things and people I love.

It is no longer a secret that I am living my life with another guy. I love him but there are times before that I also felt strongly attracted to the opposite sex. The most significant one was with a girl I met and became one of my team mates in my previous company. I knew the very first time I saw her that we could be together if only I was free. She was the only girl able to turn me on after a very long time. But of course I didn’t tell her that.

I loved each moment that we had together. Breaks. Lunches. Our long walks out of Eastwood City after the shift. The way she enjoyed our small talks and my music. For months we were that way. I thought that I was happy only to know that loneliness was already eating me up inside. I still loved her but I could never be a perfect man so I kept everything to myself.

The time came when I had to leave my job because of some complications. I wasn’t even able to say to goodbye to her. The love I had inside me died just like all the dreams that I had. I tried to reconnect with her last month by sending her a message and friend request on Facebook (I also abandoned my old account after the resignation). She replied telling me that she’s fine and that I should grow where I planted.  But she never accepted my request.

Two weeks ago, I tried to visit her page again and was surprised that she’s already in a “Complicated” relationship with someone. It didn’t affect me that much because I am quite happy with how things have been going for me and my best friend. It’s just a waste because I needed to do it again. And dang it was painful.

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One thought on “Loose Ends

  1. when it comes to human relationships, it does really tend to become complicated. no matter how simple you want things to be. at least that’s how i’ve experienced it

  2. And I thought you just committed the common grammatical error for Filipinos with regards to the use of the gender pronoun in your post about hamsters… I found it difficult how to properly point it out to you, because I cannot gage if you would be slighted or not… Now I know it’s not a mistake.

    And I honor your courage for these revelations, while others cringe and continue to be in the dark…

    I like your introspections in the first two paragraphs. “An unexamined life is not worth living,” as Socrates would say… Perhaps it would be also worth pursuing for you to further introspect on why you seem to drift farther and farther away from people you consider important to you…

  3. I hope you can move on with your situation. I like the line thrown to you by the girl “grow where you are planted”. You have to remember that every field has its own gold, flowers, and trees that will serve as reasons for you to be happy. I’m not happy today but I command you to be happy because that will be the way I feel tomorrow. God bless you.

    • That “grow where you are planted” lined has been thrown at me twice. The first was I was reading a fellow bloggers post which caused me to write a really good newspaper editorial during my college days.

    • Oh my goodness. It’s such bloody way to die. But I do agree, especially with the way they came up with the “It’s Complicated” status. That’s so stupid. Kung kayo, kayo. Kung hindi, hindi.

  4. Reaching out to someone you consider special only to be turned down really really feels awful. It’s like you’ve been hit hard with a stone right through your throat. Aw. I don’t wanna remember the feeling but your first paragraph did me in. 😥

  5. Gah, I feel you! The Loose Thread of losing and reconnecting with someone after sometime weave such a sad,sad web of incompleteness. Don’t worry, our sadness is never without a reason. A friend of mine used to say, even shit makes the garden grow. 🙂

    Btw, it’s been a long time since I’ve read from you, and I missed your blog a lot!

    • Nice. That’s an insightful one. Anyway, I didn’t really mean to be on hiatus for such a long time. It’s just that there are times when I can’t write no matter hard I try.

      Thanks for visiting. :]

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