I am Afraid of Fiction

It’s been a long time since I last wrote a fictional work. It was not even because I wanted to but because I was still serving as an EIC of our school paper back then, and I needed to fill in some empty spaces. I can no longer remember what I had written exactly. But I can still feel how ecstatic and satisfied I was coming up with such a fine piece. That is one thing that I am really missing because no matter how hard I try, I just can’t get my hand and mind to write fiction.

I am afraid. I am afraid because I already lost confidence with my ability to write. I know I had it in me but it has already rotten with time. And what’s left in me are just the dusts I am trying so hard to form into words. Gone is the brilliance, the enthusiasm that I had when I was still dreaming to be writer.

Things like that happen to most people deprived of the chance to use their talents. They are born with these special abilities. Of course, other people applaud them, especially when they are younger. They just can’t help but to be good at it. Teachers are impressed. Classmates praise and envy them. But without proper training and discipline, they will regress. What seems to be a promising talent becomes mediocre. Nothing special. Insignificant to the eyes of people who know better.

This is exactly how I feel whenever I attempt to translate my thoughts into words. It is just a good thing that I still have the courage to do what I love to do most. But as long as there is fear each time I hold the pen, I will never be able to wield the sword that it is, making me powerless and weak as the reality consumes me.

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24 thoughts on “I am Afraid of Fiction

  1. Hello. Thanks for passing by my blog. WordPress has such pretty themes, no?

    Re: writing. I can relate to this. I used to write poetry and I stopped. After 10 years, I began writing poetically (not yet poetry) again and it’s really difficult to get back into that space (you know, the magical space where writers usually self-hypnotize themselves into, when words and characters and stories start to play themselves out) when it has closed from you for so long. So I start small: in my case, I started writing ‘small stones’ – a process wherein you write about one thing, just one thing, after paying proper attention. Usually the writing comes in poetic form.

    The blogging helped me, a lot. After seven years of writing online, I can say that I’ve somehow found my voice with which I can cajole the gatekeepers of that magical space, to open the door for me again. πŸ™‚

  2. sabi nga sa The Alchemist (i’m not so sure lang with the exact words), ‘be friends with your fear, cause that would be the only way that you’ll ever know how to conquer it’. parang ganyan. πŸ˜‰

  3. It’s nice to see you back!

    My thoughts on your post: No matter how rusty you may have become, may papel de liha naman para tanggalin ang kalawang! Hahahaha.

    πŸ™‚

    • Tama ka diyan, Raymond. ‘Di ko lang talaga maiwasan na malungkot. Pero ehto pa rin naman ako, sinusubukan laging buhayin ang naghihingalo kong pangarap.

  4. Fear no more, Pugadmaya. Write as if you’re the greatest writer alive, as if you’re grammar is flawless. Write for yourself alone. Everything will follow. πŸ™‚

    This is me, by the way.

  5. Gandhi said “My life is my message”

    and I say, let your blog be your life. Your own words, your own message, that as we read it – we will know you more.

    I am a reader who doesn’t read to be impressed, I am a reader who reads to learn about others persons’ expressions, their unique interpretation on things.

    Keep writing, be fearless! πŸ™‚

    • Sabi nga ni Nancy Thayer (kung sino man siya) sa isang quote na naging motto ko na sa buhay mula noong highschool days ko pa *gasp for air* “It is never too late, in fiction or in life, to revise.” O ha!

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