I Don't Know

I just turned twenty one yesterday.

The day just passed just like any other day for I just couldn’t find any reason for celebration. I am grateful, though, that I have made it again for another 365 days. Many good things have happened this year but I feel like I am still missing one thing. The only problem is that no matter how hard I try to search myself for that “one thing,” I always end up frustrated.

That, I think, is the reason why I am still being bothered by depression at random times, making me do stupid things like sudden job resignation, sudden impulse to buy a book I won’t read, sudden detours to a coffee shop instead of coming to work, as well as sudden mood-swings which often lead to petty fights with my best friend.

Sometimes, it really scares me to think that there’s something within me I can’t explain. I don’t even know if it’s a yearning or a nature of me yet to come out, because the fact that I can’t even understand myself leads me to believe, more and more, that something is wrong.

I don’t know. I don’t really know if you will ask me. I don’t know why I am here. I don’t what led me to this place. I don’t know where I am going to. Everything seemed to have happened so suddenly. I know that all these things is just the outcome of all the choices I made in life, but I have already lost track of many things because of my dimming memory.

As a result, I am still not really sure about anything. This is also one of the reason why I find it difficult to write at times. I feel like caught up in vast maze chasing for something I cannot even see. So I am just simply trying to make sense out of all the things life is presenting to me.

I am afraid that time will come that I completely will not now. That is why I need to keep writing, so that life will accumulate, than just merely pass.

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16 thoughts on “I Don't Know

  1. The fact that you wrote this here means all hope is not lost yet.

    I know you are seeking your purpose in life, and I actually don’t know who could help you find answers to all your questions, other than yourself. You know you have problems, in fact, you even enumerated them here, and I also know that you know the answers, like doing the opposite of the things you said above, but don’t want to, just yet.

    ang masasabi ko lang, don’t give up. if you must always ask yourself these things, don’t give up asking. One day, you might find the answers to all your questions, because I know somebody who did the opposite, and to this day, all of us in our family, are still scarred, and we’ll be, for as long as we are breathing. 😦

    • Thank you for your comment Kaye. it is really meaningful and i felt that you really care. don’t worry, i will keep all of those things in mind. :]

      • sorry naman at di pala ako nakabati…happy birthday, belated nga lang. 🙂

        of course, I care. napapunta nga ako dito when i saw na may bago kang entry. matagal tagal din akong busy at ngayon lang nakabalik ng kaunti. hehehe

      • thanks sa greeting. nakakatuwa naman. timely naman ang visit mo, dahil binuksan ko na uli ang OB. di pa ako ready magsulat wearing other skin, if you know what i mean. 😀

  2. At may bagong blog entry na ang isa sa mga pinakapaborito kong writers dito sa blogosperyo… 🙂

    I can relate to what you are experiencing now. I have been in that stage when it seems that life simply passes you by, and you simply go through with it without purpose or meaning…

    The fact that you are trying to make sense of your life, of what’s happening around you, by raising these questions about your life’s purpose is a good start. Sometimes, we fail to differentiate between the purpose of life and fulfilling our purpose in life.

    Sometimes we think that we we ought to do, what we were called to do and what we were meant to do is our purpose…

    The purpose of life for a Christian is this: to love, to know and to serve God.

    It is the process of finding out how to fulfill this purpose that is difficult… At tama si Ate Kaye, you are the only one who knows how to fulfill that purpose…

    And fulfilling these purpose lies in two things – finding our passions and finding our vocation. Usually we equate them, but sometimes they are not the same. So, to truly live life, one must live by these two: passion and vocation… 🙂

    Happy birthday again J!

  3. Belated happy birthday sayo Jerro! With your age, I guess it’s normal to feel what you are experiencing right now.. you’re kinda lost. But soon, in due time, you’ll figure out things such as what you really wanted in your life. Just remember to enjoy every step of the way towards wherever your life leads you while taking control of it. Good luck! 😉

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